Grandma Bea vs. the Internet

On Joey's preference and more on my empty uterus

2010-03-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

(Grandma is talking at length about Joel's eating habits. In front of Joel. And his children Joey and Becky.)

Joey: Grandma, I'm gay.

Grandma: WHAT?! DON'T SAY THAT. THAT'S NOT FUNNY. THAT'S INSULTING.

Joey: I didn't say anything bad about gays. I said I am gay.

Grandma: DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT. THAT'S TERRIBLE. IT'S NOT FUNNY. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU SHOULD'NT JOKE ABOUT THAT.

Joey: So Grandma, I hear Sarah's pregnant.

Grandma: (smiles and gives Sarah invasive arm-rub) I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

On my empty uterus

2010-03-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Grandma: I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN! (invades Sarah's personal space with violent arm-rubbing) I FEEL SORRY FOR ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE GRANDCHILDREN. (Stares at Papa Ferb, looks back at Sarah and smiles)

You'll have to rip the birth control from my cold dead hands, Grandma B-nazz.

Transcript from: March 19th, 2009

2010-03-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Maria is my grandpa's former overzealous caretaker from the Philippines and is completely out of her mind.

Maria: Sarah you look so skinny!!! You dieting?

Sarah: Haha, I'm trying, I guess.

Grandma: WHAT'S GOING ON

Maria: She skinny! She on diet! Sexy figure now!!!

Grandma: MY GRANDDAUGHTER HAS ALWAYS HAD A BEAUTIFUL FIGURE

Maria: No!!! You were fat. Very very fat. Now you sexy!!!

Transcript from: August 11th, 2009

2010-03-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

Joel: So how many Jews are there in Santa Fe?

Sarah: About five. I have friends who had never met a Jew before.

Grandma: DID THEY ASK TO SEE YOUR HORNS?

A follow-up post to "January 1st, 2009"

2010-03-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

Shortly after the conversation in the Chinese restaurant took place, I went home and searched Randall's name out of sheer curiousity. This is what I found:(For confidentiality purposes I have blocked out his eyes, but honestly, who could forget those areolas?)

I e-mailed this picture to Papa Ferb. At first he didn't believe me, but then he did his own research and found out that yes, this is indeed my husband/cousin Randall.

I told Papa Ferb we propably shouldn't show Grandma in fear of breaking her delusional little heart, but the minute she mentioned Randall again my dad hopped on the computer and pulled this little guy up. My grandma shrieked and didn't bother me about him for months after that.

But now she tells me "young people make mistakes." Over. And over. Again.

Transcript from: January 1st, 2009

2010-03-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

Lunch at a Chinese restaurant on my dad's birthday:

Grandma: SO SARAH I WAS TALKING TO GEOFFREY Z---- THE OTHER DAY (Geoffrey Z---- is my grandma's cousin, Z---- is her maiden name)

Sarah: Oh really

Papa Ferb: Jesus, not this again. AGAIN WITH GEOFFREY Z-----!

Grandma: YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH!

Papa Ferb: Whatever, I'm going to the bathroom. (turns to me) You know exactly where this is going.

Grandma: ANYWAY, I WAS TALKING TO GEOFFREY Z----, AND HE ASKED ABOUT YOU, AND I TOLD HIM YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND AND HE WAS SOOOOO DISAPPOINTED! HE SAYS "MY GRANDSON RANDALL, HE'S SUCH A GOOD LOOKING YOUNG MAN." HE WANTED YOU TWO TO MEET.

Sarah: What?! He only met me once, and I was thirteen.

Grandma: HE THOUGHT YOU WERE SO CHARMING AND THAT YOU AND RANDALL SHOULD MEET.

Aaron: Who are you talking about?

Sarah: My husband.

Aaron: You have a husband?!

Sarah: No. It was a joke.

Grandma: WHO?

Sarah: My husband.

Grandma: WHAT HUSBAND?

Sarah: He asked who I was talking about, and I said "my husband."

Grandma: OH.

Lyn: Haha! that good one Sarah!

Grandma: ANYWAY YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT WITH INCEST BECAUSE...(lists the history of my family tree for the hundredth time to justify marrying my cousin)

Sarah: I know! That's why I'm not worried about flipper babies!

(Papa Ferb comes back from bathroom)

Lyn: Bruce you miss it! Sarah say good one!

Grandma: BUT ANYWAY, HE SAYS "I'M SO DISAPPOINTED SARAH HAS A BOYFRIEND, MY GRANDSON IS VERY GOOD LOOKING." I SAW PICTURES, HE IS VERY GOOD LOOKING. HE IS GRADUATING FROM SANTA BARBARA THIS YEAR. GEOFFERY Z---- SAYS ALL THE GIRLS ARE AFTER HIM.

Papa Ferb: ALL the girls?!

Grandma: YES HE SAID THAT.

Sarah: Well I guess I missed the opportunity of a lifetime.

Aaron: Sarah you're not breaking up with Zenon are you??!!

Sarah: No.

Grandma: SO DISAPPOINTED.

Cast List

2010-03-10T00:02:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, I should give you a brief list of characters who may appear frequently in the posts. And, as not to offend anybody, I will be stereotyping everybody:

Grandma Bea: 89 years old. The star of the show. Very Jewish. Out of her goddamn mind.

Grandpa Sam: 89 years old. Has Alzheimer's, can't really talk anymore. If he does talk his dialogue will be in bold because it's a big deal.

Papa Ferb: 57 years old. My dad. Man in charge. Easily irritated.

Aaron: 25 years old. My brother. Has high functioning autism. Likes to quote TV commercials.

Lyn: 42(?) years old. My dad's Chinese fiancée. I will be typing everything she says phonetically. If you're not on my un-pc party train you may escort yourself off this blog.

Sarah: 22 years old. Me. In a constant state of panic. Personal space issues.

Joey: 16 years old. My cousin, Becky's twin brother. Most instigative little smartass I've ever met, and I adore him for that.

Becky: 16 years old. My cousin, Joey's twin sister. Sweetest person in our family. Not one evil bone in her body.

Joel: 50 years old. My uncle. Grandma complains about his weight and then insists on feeding him.

Randall Z: My age, I think. my 8th cousin or something. Grandma seriously wants me to marry him because he has her maiden name and he's Jewish. I've never met him in my life.

Other characters will be introduced along our journey.

You'll insult me if you don't eat my brisket.

2010-03-09T23:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Internets,

I would like you all to know of my Grandma Bea because I think she is worthy of celebrity status. I would also like her to be president, but I can only ask for so much. So I am posting saved transcripts, photos, videos, and other evidence of her neurotic, food-based, Jewish, and slightly delusional antics on this here blog. Hopefully it's as entertaining for you as it is for me.

Regards,
Sarah